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Friday, April 29, 2005 ( 9:49 AM ) teahouse States of Desperation I don't understand those commercials where the States advertise themselves and try to get you to go visit them. I just saw a "This is my Massachusetts" commercial. Earlier there was a commercial for New York, with scenes of happy couples and children on merry-go-rounds smiling and yelling, "New York loves you!!" Do people really see these ads and want to visit those States? How much money are the States spending on advertising, that could be used to support the welfare system? What's next? Will cities start doing it as well? "Welcome to Newark, cesspool of the USA! We have a lot to offer! Please come and visit us!" # 0 comments Thursday, April 28, 2005 ( 9:15 AM ) teahouse I Am Dr. Evil Last night I stopped by the pet store, and went crazy and bought 5 new fish. They're now crowding my tiny aquarium with the fish I already had. I've never really been into furry pets. I'm allergic to both cats (severely) and dogs (slightly). But I do like my fish. When I was a kid, my parents had a 40-gallon aquarium, and we had African cichlids. They were the best. Highly intelligent, fun to watch. Now that I have a tiny aquarium in my tiny Manhattan apartment, I don't have room for anything other than the tiny cheap fish - tetras and such. But someday, when I buy a home, I'm going to have a HUMONGOUS aquarium. One that takes up a whole room. You know, one of those like the bad guys in James Bond movies always have, full of sharks and piranhas and stuff. # 0 comments Tuesday, April 26, 2005 ( 8:59 AM ) teahouse Letter to my Coworkers Dear all: It has come to my attention that the extra stockings I kept in my desk drawer at work have gone missing. Now, it may be true that, as the associate in the office next door suggested hopefully, "Maybe they had a run, and someone on the janitorial staff kindly threw them away for you." However, I suspect that the most likely scenario is, as the secretary outside my office suggested, "Your stockings are probably being auctioned on Ebay right now." Wherever they are, I hope they are bringing someone deep and true happiness. # 0 comments Monday, April 25, 2005 ( 8:22 AM ) teahouse Back in Time This weekend I went back to visit my undergraduate university. Many things have changed. There's a brand-spanking-new student center, music building, and dormitory. It's funny how your perceptions change over time. The really "fancy" restaurants in town, where nobody could afford to go except when their parents came, seemed small and not so fancy anymore. The engineering building, where I spent so many sleepless nights, seemed innocuous now that it no longer has that academic power over me. But there were many forgotten pleasures. We went to a favorite local sweet shop and had ice cream. We sunned ourselves on a grassy knoll. I stocked up on t-shirts and other paraphernalia with the college's name emblazoned. We went into the Chapel, my favorite building on campus. I saw the students, coming and going with their backpacks, happy in their little enclave. I used to long to finish here, graduate and get out into the real world. Now I realize that I shouldn't have been in such a hurry. # 0 comments Friday, April 22, 2005 ( 8:25 AM ) teahouse Reunion I went to a law school alumni cocktail party last night. It wasn't fun. None of my friends showed up, and I somehow got cornered next to the hors d'oeuvres table by the most hated guy in my law school class. Ugh, this guy is pompous, annoying, and loved to go on and on in class. If you've been to law school, you know the type. Well, in the several years since we graduated, he got a new toupee, divorced his long-suffering wife, and is now letting everyone know that he's single and on the market. I couldn't shake him for the entire night. He kept following me around the room. At the end of the night, he gave me his business card and said, "Let's get together sometime." Ugh. SUPER UGH!!! # 0 comments Thursday, April 21, 2005 ( 8:04 AM ) teahouse H.A.L. 9000 I got a new phone installed in my office. My old phone was a standard office phone, made sometime in the early 90s. This week we all got new phones. The one I have is unbelievable. It's all digital, it's got a liquid crystal display screen that times my calls, has caller i.d., blinks and whistles, changes its display, anticipates my every need. I think this phone is smarter than I am. Yesterday I went to hang it up after a call, and I swear it said to me, in a robotic and toneless voice, "I'm sorry, THB, I'm afraid I can't let you do that." # 0 comments Tuesday, April 19, 2005 ( 8:01 AM ) teahouse Read Between the Lines I looked at a couple of apartments for sale this weekend. Here's what I learned: When the apartment is listed for $500,000, and the prospectus says "Beautiful apartment, just needs a little Tender Loving Care from you!" ..that means, "It's a rats nest in a scary neighborhood, your neighbors are crack addicts and you'll have to sink another half million dollars into it to make it inhabitable! Oh, and your mortgage payment will be about $4,000 a month. Enjoy!" # 0 comments Monday, April 18, 2005 ( 8:17 AM ) teahouse Heaven on Earth Last night, I went to Chinatown and got my hair cut. The lady washed my hair, and she rubbed my head and neck for 15 minutes. Ahhh... Total cost was $13. Then I went next door. For a 20 minute foot massage and a 15 minute back massage, the total cost was $30. And they threw in some extra time for me. It's the best bargain around! Although, if you're a guy, they might offer you other kinds of 'happy endings' if you go to these massage places. Maybe that's why they gave me a few extra minutes of massage...to even it out for both men AND women. # 0 comments Friday, April 15, 2005 ( 7:45 AM ) teahouse Happy Anniversary Today is Income Tax Day in the United States. It's the deadline for filing our tax returns for the previous year, and either paying what we owe or requesting our refund from the government. Today is also my parents' anniversary. They got married on April 15, 1973. My dad NEVER forgets to do his taxes. Or is it the other way around? He never forgets his wedding anniversary. Anyway, because my parents moved abroad, I had to do their taxes this year. Yeah, I took an extension until August. # 0 comments Thursday, April 14, 2005 ( 8:01 AM ) teahouse Take it Like a Man I've been getting allergy shots for the past 3 years. Lately they've been hurting a lot. I think it's because the dosages of the allergens are getting higher and higher. Whenever I go to the allergist's office, there are always little kids in the waiting room. Inevitably someone goes in the back room, and we all hear crying when the shots are administered. I got my shots yesterday. I swear I was in so much pain, I started crying in front of the nurse. "Oh, it's ok, don't cry," she said anxiously. "But it hurts!" I wailed. "Can't you give me a lollipop or something?" "Um, no we don't have any..." she said, looking around the room. "But I can give you a sticker!" She gave me a sticker of a smiley face. A kid sitting next to me offered to let me hold his teddy bear for a minute. I felt better. For a moment, I could pretend I was a little kid. Then she handed me the bill. Pfftt!! Back to adulthood. # 0 comments Tuesday, April 12, 2005 ( 9:54 AM ) teahouse Ladies who Lunch J, my best friend at my firm, resigned last week. She's going to another firm. It's a good move for her. The partners she works with at our firm are jerks, and she doesn't think she has much of a chance of partnership, working for those guys. But I'm going to miss her. Who will I have lunch with, after she leaves? What about mid-afternoon trips to the newsstand downstairs to get candybars? I'll have to go by myself now. Today, at least, I'm having lunch with this lovely lady. I can't wait! # 0 comments Monday, April 11, 2005 ( 10:45 PM ) teahouse Bidding Wars Ok, there seems to be some misunderstanding about my post of this morning. The owners wanted a down payment of $120,000. That doesn't mean that's the entire cost of the apartment. That means that in order to buy the place, I have to write them a check for $120,000 up front, and then carry a $480,000 mortgage. The entire cost of the apartment, the asking price, was $600,000. At any rate, it's all a moot point, because the realtor called me this afternoon. "In the first day on the market, the owners got 14 offers on the place," she said. "And the lowest offer was for $625,000. The highest offer was for $650,000. Those people will probably get it because they outbid everyone else." # 0 comments ( 10:15 AM ) teahouse The Bubble My realtor called me on Friday. "There's an apartment that just went on the market I want you to see," she said. "2 bedrooms, and it's pretty reasonably priced." "How much do they want down?" I asked. "$120,000." You're kidding, right? $120,000 is the cost of a house in many other cities. I know the prices are outrageous here, but who has that much money sitting around in a bank account? This is depressing. # 0 comments Thursday, April 07, 2005 ( 9:50 AM ) teahouse High Class We had a firm cocktail party the other night. W is a very senior associate in my group. He's definitely a rising star, up for partnership next year. Nobody doubts that he'll make it. W is always impeccably dressed, never a hair out of place. W and his wife are a power couple. They're both in their mid-30s, have 3 kids together. Mrs. W is a doctor. They're both tall and blond and look like runway models. Their kids are all blond, too. Mrs. W was at the cocktail party. W introduced her to me and some partners. He said, "This is my baby mama." Uh... # 0 comments Wednesday, April 06, 2005 ( 9:39 AM ) teahouse Meet Someone Special So what would you do if you got something in your Inbox with the Subject Line: "Email a She-Male" ? Yeah, I deleted it too. I have to give them props for the perfect rhyme, though. Very clever. # 0 comments Tuesday, April 05, 2005 ( 8:51 AM ) teahouse Sigh of Relief I just finished a MAJOR project at work yesterday. Now I can get on with my life, which has been on hold since the beginning of March. That means I can do my dishes, open my mail, pay my bills, file my taxes, change my sheets, feed my fish, pick up my dry cleaning, take out the garbage. And finally put the new roll of toilet paper INTO the little rolling thing, instead of just letting it sit on the shelf next to the toilet. # 0 comments Sunday, April 03, 2005 ( 12:32 PM ) teahouse Interregnum Rest in peace, Karol Josef Wojtyla. Call me sentimental, but I have a feeling that he and this lady are together somewhere, chatting and sharing a seat on the bus to the Promised Land. # 0 comments Friday, April 01, 2005 ( 8:55 AM ) teahouse I've Been Working Too Hard Last night I came home after a long day of work, put on a t-shirt and sweatpants and crawled into bed. When I woke up this morning, my first sensation was, Hmmm..it's kind of cold in here... I looked down and realized that I was lying on top of the covers, and except for my underpants, I wasn't wearing a stitch of clothing. Yes, somehow during the night, I managed to take off my t-shirt and sweatpants and throw them on the floor. And yes, I was alone. I swear, I couldn't even make this stuff up. # 0 comments |
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