Monday, June 25, 2007
( 12:03 AM ) teahouse
Warning: Gross Out Humor
So I've been feeling under the weather for the past 2 weeks. I have a cough, sore throat and incredibly bad runny nose.
I mean it, it's really bad. I haven't had a nose this runny since I was about 4 years old.
And it's starting to freak me out. Last week, I had to run out of a meeting at work because my nose was running uncontrollably.
And everytime I blow my nose, I have to use about 20 tissues..and yet, there's still more and more. It's really disgusting. And it's really making me worried.
By this point, I figure my brains have all leaked out. How can there be anything left in there?
I went to the drugstore yesterday and asked the pharmacist if they had anything for runny noses. Not "stuffy" noses like the labels on all of the meds. He gave me a strange look and said to try the children's cold medicine.
And even though I'm using the good expensive tissues (the ones with the lotion in them that supposedly soothe your nose), my nose feels like it's on fire.
Yesterday I met a friend for lunch. I arrived at the restaurant prepared, having stuffed my pants pockets with tissues.
But halfway through lunch, I ran out of tissues and had to run to the ladies' room.
Of course, it was down a long, dark flight of stairs. And of course, there was a line.
By the time I got in there, my nose was hemorrhaging phlegm.
There were no tissues, so I grabbed a wad of toilet paper and blew violently.
It kept going and going and going.
Finally, I pulled the wad of toilet paper away from my face.
But it was stuck.
I yanked, and a long ROPE of snot pulled outward from my poor nose.
I pulled and pulled, and finally I managed to separate the wad of toilet paper from myself and toss it into the waste basket.
But oh no, my nose wasn't done. It kept erupting, like a volcano.
When it was over, I looked down at my cupped hand, and there it was - a large mass, a quivering gelatinous, colloidal, dumpling size ball of snot that I was holding.
It was like a scene out of a horror movie, when the Glob rises up out of the slimy swamp and eats the girl.
It was like a scene out of a war movie, when the injured soldier reaches down and realizes that he's holding his own liver in this hand.
I'm sure the people outside the bathroom door could hear me screaming as I looked in horror upon what had just come out of my own body.