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teahouseblossom

( 10:33 PM ) teahouse

Getting Personal

Those of you who have been reading my blog know that I very rarely post about my personal life. This blog started off as a place for me to make witty and/or sarcastic observations about everyday life as a lawyer in New York.

But I haven't been posting too regularly lately.

The truth is, I'm depressed. And in order to figure out why, it will be necessary to get personal. Very personal.

Today I made a list of all of the wonderful things in my life.

1. I have a wonderful family - parents who really care about me and didn't eff me up more than your average set of parents tend to do. A really awesome Sister who's a close friend and a terrific person. A great extended family in Asia who's watched me grow up in pictures, including a couple of really cool cousins who IM me and wave hi to me from their webcams regularly.

2. I have the world's greatest Fiance. He's kind, supportive, smart and makes me laugh. We're getting married in just a few months and he's hiring me a wedding planner so I won't be stressed out about the wedding. He's not shy about expressing what he wants, and every step of the planning has been made by the two of us together. I'm the luckiest girl in the world that he asked me to marry him one day when we were in our favorite spot in Central Park (and gave me a pretty phat engagement ring). I have the whole rest of my life to look forward to with him.

3. I am blessed and lucky that at a relatively young age, I own a piece of real estate in Manhattan. This has been due to no particular ability or achievement of my own. My parents helped me out a great deal and pushed me to buy my apartment. Even though the mortgage is a burden, I'm very glad I took it on, as I know that home ownership will have a significant impact in my net worth as I get older.

4. I have really good friends. I've always been one of those people who gather friends - everywhere I've lived, every job I've ever had, I've always left much richer in friends than when I arrived. I'm the sort of person who writes letters and emails and keeps in touch with random people from many years past. I worked for a judge several years ago, and I still write letters to her secretary, who retired from the U.S. courts system 5 years ago and lives in a small town in the Deep South. I still occasionally talk to the mother of my ex-boyfriend of 10 years ago. I've made friends of people who interviewed me for jobs. I just enjoy those connections. Once again, I often think that this is due in no part to any spectacular abilities of mine; I have just been really lucky.

5. I have great health. Yes, my allergies are bad, but I'm getting shots and taking medication. I'm in the best shape of my life - I can run 5 miles, and my martial arts training means I can kick the butt of the average American male in my age group. Due to my propensity for wearing hats and staying out of the sun, I have pretty good skin for my age. I also recognize that I'm lucky for having (this embarrasses me to post, but in the spirit of being personal, I will) uh, a slightly larger chest than is average for an Asian woman of my build.

6. I live in one of the greatest cities in the world, and it's all at my fingertips. I can go to the Opera whenever I want to; I can stroll in Central Park. And I have a car; I can take off for a drive anywhere, anytime. I have an iPod Nano and a whole library of music available to me. I can go to the library and feel the plush carpet and run my hand along the hard covers of the worn books. I can roll down hills. I can make snow angels on my balcony. I live 10 blocks from the best gelato in the City. I can make hot chocolate with whipped cream in the morning. I can spend a Saturday in bed with a good book and a glass of wine and my blanket that my grandmother crotcheted for me 30 years ago. I have jacuzzi jets in my bathtub, and I can take a hot swirly bath whenever I want. I can walk down the street and watch the tourists. I can sit on the balcony and feed the pigeons. I can pad around in my fuzzy slippers and flannel bathrobe.

Yes, I am a very lucky person.

So why is it that in spite of all of these wonderful things I can list, I've found myself paralyzed with fear, brought down by the gloomiest thoughts, and unable to get out of bed so many mornings? And why can't I sleep anymore?

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